Sweetgrass Coaching


FACILITATION SKILLS

STYLE, ROLES AND SKILLS IN FACILITATING

To move through a workshop together, a group needs to be coordinated and guided. The group, itself, can share leadership by taking turns leading discussion and different exercises. One person can be the group guide, or a team of guides can plan and facilitate this together.

Each of us has his or her own style of working, as distinctive to us as the way we walk or laugh. Trust it. Our naturalness and genuineness in the work is our gift to workshop participants. If you are a singer, your workshop will probably draw heavily on the power of sound and music. Or if you are a dancer, your participants will be encouraged to use their bodies to explore and express their ideas and emotions. Some guides, like myself, work within a fairly structured framework moving from one exercise to another. Others prefer a less directive approach, giving participants more leeway in setting their own agenda and following their needs as they arise.

We must remember that as facilitator we are not offering ourselves as experts or healers. We provide experiences and structures in which people can do their work. We are there to guide this work, not give answers or solve problems or cure.



Value of Working in Groups

VALUE OF WORKING IN GROUPS

Workshops provide focus and duration. In the daily run of life we face challenges and situations that scatter our attention in a thousand different directions. A workshop is like an island in time where, removed from other distractions and demands, we can focus together long enough to reach and explore our deep responses to our holistic health. The group serves as a lens which helps us to sustain our attention.

Group work provides support. The technology of radio, television, the internet and the automobile have all made our lives more convenient and entertaining. This convenience comes at the price of alienating us from one another. As many participants in workshops have affirmed, “We need each other”. We need each other to discover that we are isolated, and that sharing ideas and emotions brings a deep sense of community and collective power. By its nature, the workshop serves as a safe haven for exploring ideas together.

Workshops offer safe structures. They allow us to practice some behaviours that are uncommon in our daily social interactions. For example, we can hear each other’s deepest feelings without assuming responsibility for these feelings or trying to make them better. It gives us practice in expressing some of our own deepest fears without trying to protect ourselves or others from them. In the process we discover how valuable these deep responses are in helping ourselves and each other to wake up to what we can do together.

Group work is synergistic. It reveals to us our own powers as well as our own feelings – our powers to give as well as to receive support and validation. Workshop participants have the remarkable ability to help each other deal with the strong feelings of grief and guilt when they are acknowledged and faced together. In so doing, they discover unsuspected dimensions of their own sensitivity, generosity, and psychic courage.

Group work creates momentum. It provides a setting for initiating co-created endeavours. Participants in workshops often continue to meet afterwards, holding support groups and undertaking joint actions.

Exercise: Sharing Circle (20 minutes for 15 people)

A primary aim of a workshop is to uncover our deepest concerns about what it means to be walking in balance. To this end, participants need to hear both from each other and from themselves. This kind of sharing can begin right away with personal introductions.

THE CIRCLE

Begin by having the group sit in a circle. Sitting in a circle achieves many healthy goals before anything is even discussed. It personifies a deep democracy in the sense that everyone in the workshop is facing each other at the same level. No one is more important than anyone else. Everyone can see everyone else. When people are seen and feel as equals in any group, they have the ability to fully participate. This is very important to establish trust in the group.

The circle also grounds us in our traditional ways because this is how our ancestors communicated.

THE EAGLE FEATHER

Having an eagle feather present in a sharing circle has a calming effect on the group. An eagle feather is held by the person who speaks. When a participant holds the eagle feather, he or she is given full attention and respect. No one else speaks when that person is holding the eagle feather.

An eagle feather is used by many First Nations because the eagle is widely respected as the bird that flies the highest in the sky. From this vantage point, the eagle can see the big picture in ways us two-legged beings could never achieve from our limited place on the ground. That is why the eagle is said to have great wisdom and vision.

If an eagle feather is not available, the feather of another bird can be used. Also, a talking stick is another useful talisman to create this calming effect. Sharing emotions, even positive ones, is foreign for many of us, so a feather or talking stick is useful to get people comfortable with opening up.

BEGINNING ON A POSITIVE NOTE

As you tell us your name and where you’re from, tell us something you love about yourself. Or . . . share something you did or saw today that made you glad to be alive.

The sharing is concrete and brief (say a minute per person). Brevity has the virtue of letting everyone speak, of encouraging those who are initially shy, and of requiring the more verbose to distil their thoughts. Concreteness serves to make their sharing more potent, because it avoids rambling generalizations, and focuses on a particular experience.

To begin in an affirmative mode serves several functions: It provides a balance to the stresses of the outside world. It reassures people that they will not be ‘pushed’ into expressing their feelings.



Long Hair

My three-year experiment with long hair ended yesterday when I cut it off.

Going to the mall in Surrey to see my reliable hairstylist was a very liberating experience.

I went from having braidable hair to essentially a brush cut without any regrets.

Going to the local swimming pool will be a lot easier without dealing with the tangles, the conditioner, and blow-dryers that never dry fast enough.

Talking to elders about the significance of long hair left me without any real reason to keep it long. Basically, no one was able to give me a good enough reason for keeping my hair long. Long hair does not make a man more spiritual.

The ones most disappointed by this news will be those who subscribe to outdated romantic ideals of the Native man.

I’ve determined that hair styles for Native men follow convention and style, just as they do for every other culture in the world. What’s convenient in one century becomes inconvenient in another.

Although it’s still considered traditional in many First Nations cultures for men to keep their hair long, that tradition is not really based on much of anything other than following a style that was trendy a couple hundred years ago (for cross-cultural examples please see muttonchops and powdered wigs).

It’s become mostly symbolic of having pride in your heritage as a Native man. However, when you break down most symbols and analyze them within the context of history and other factors, they start to lose their mystique.

There are plenty of other ways to show pride in your First Nations culture than to just focus on the hair. There are both deep and superficial ways to express one’s culture, and I’ve always been more comfortable in the deep end of the pool.

Even though James Brown, the godfather of soul, almost always straightened his hair, black people still look to him as a man of black pride. He didn’t have to have an afro to garner this respect.

For me, it was a nice experiment, but ultimately I needed a more athletic hair-cut to avoid getting soft in the belly.

Don’t worry: the short hair cut has done little to keep me from communing with the mystical and the spiritual aspects of existence.



Killing Me Softly with her . . . bannock

Bannock: we love it because it tastes good.

Baked or fried, with raisins or without, it’s the one food that bonds us together here on Turtle Island.

We love it because it anchors us to our childhood. I can think back to many meals of fried moose-meat (sauteed with onions and mushrooms), mashed potatoes, baked beans, hot tea and bannock. Especially on cold days, those were always the best meals. Meals like that symbolize my Mom’s love.

When we eat bannock, we can’t help but feel a connection with our Indigenous heritage. Bannock is what got many of our grandparents and great-grandparents through cold winters and trying times. Bannock served them well.

For those of you not in the know, bannock is a popular bread made by Native Peoples throughout Canada and the United States. It consists of flour, lard, baking powder and water. There are some variations on the ingredients, but that’s generally what goes into it.

You’ll find bannock being served at most pow-wows. It’s also known as fry-bread or Indian bread. Native women are very competitive when it comes to making the best bannock. Reputation quickly spreads. Just as everyone knows a community’s toughest guy, they also know the woman who makes the best bannock.

Now the bad news about bannock: it’s probably the worst food in terms of nutrition.

For a People who struggle with heart disease and diabetes, bannock unleashes a slow and lethal combination of clogging our arteries and shooting up our blood sugar levels.

Some people think they’re being healthy by making it with whole wheat flour, but it doesn’t really make it healthy. It’s like cooking up crystal meth without the drano and adding vitamin C instead.

This is an example of the many lies we tell ourselves and others about what we eat and our levels of exercise being more than healthy even when it’s the furthest thing from the truth. Talk with any obese person and most of them will try to convince you that they’re eating a healthy diet, even as they’re holding deep-fried food up to their mouths.

As Native People, we really don’t need any additional help in getting diabetes. And we can’t continue the perpetual lies about our diet at the expense of our health.

Let’s get real!

Looking at our history, bannock is not even Native in origin. It originated in Scotland over a thousand years ago. It only became popular when our ancestors grew to depend on government rations for survival.

In many ways, bannock symbolizes our colonization. We enjoy eating bannock in the same way we enjoy watching TV: we know it’s bad for us but we do it anyways.

Eating bannock encouraged us to break from generations of hunting and gathering to eek out alien, sedentary and largely dependent lives.

Government dependence didn’t happen overnight.

It’s okay to acknowledge bannock’s place in our history, but now is the time to embrace a new diet and a stronger concept of who we are–independent of the Crown.



Entertaining our Kids to Death

This is a post about preventing Aboriginal youth suicide.

Suicide is never an easy subject to discuss.

My sister’s own suicide still haunts me ten years later.

It would affect me even more today if it was not for the Sun Dance.

Two years ago, I gave my body and flew with the eagles for her spirit’s return to the circle.

Even now, I can’t help but ask the question everybody asks: why?

Suicide is about stopping the pain. It’s not about wanting to die.

When I think about her tragic life, there must have been lots of pain. She found herself living the worst life any woman can experience. She turned to prostitution to feed her addictions. For her, suicide was about stopping the pain.

The answer to preventing Aboriginal youth suicide can be found by looking to our Elders, says Aboriginal suicide prevention expert Darien Thira. Darien developed the “Through the Pain” Aboriginal suicide prevention curriculum, which he facilitates to First Nations communities. I find his ideas to be both profound and accessible.

Even though Aboriginal youth suicide rates are very high, the suicide rate for our Elders is extremely low.

There are four reasons to explain the low Elder suicide rate:

Emotionally, our Elders are cared for. There is a connection that the general population of seniors don’t experience. Connection is the sense that you are valued by those who are important to you

Physically, our Elders are respected. This leads to empowerment. Empowerment is the belief that you are in control of your life and that you are valuable for who you are and what you can do.

High levels of connection and empowerment lead to high self-esteem. People have high self-esteem when they feel lovable and capable.

Mentally, our Elders are given meaningful family and community roles. This, in turn, creates positive identity.

Spiritually, our Elders have maintained our sacred traditions. Spirituality and culture have the power to create vision and transformation.

With positive identity and vision, our Elders have a well-lived life.

Our youth need these four elements.

They need to feel loved. Attention and encouragement go a long way in building youth self-esteem.

They need to feel empowered. “They need more responsibility, not more entertainment,” says Darien Thira. Boredom stems from a lack of responsibility, but we think the answer lies in giving them more video games, I-pods, cell phones, TV’s, and cameras.

Our youth need a meaningful role in the community. So often, lip service is paid to the needs of our youth without fully involving them in important decisions. Before colonization, this was different and we need to get back to those traditional ways of involving the whole community.

And finally, our youth need our spirituality and culture for a greater vision and deep transformation. You can signs of this yearning in our youth, but many of them can only express this need in a superficial way. If they had a deep connection to their own clan, there would be no need to belong to an artificial clan based on brand-named clothing, rap music and sports emblems.

Many of us adults would be wise to heed this advice as well.



When Others Ask for Forgiveness

Our anger belongs to us, and it’s up to us to do something about it.

Making forgiveness work to strengthen a relationship is a three-step process. When someone is asking you for forgiveness, you may want to open your heart to allow a connection of love or light between you, but you fear that if you trust them you’ll be hurt.

The following three-step process will increase the likelihood that another’s request for forgiveness and your hard work at forgiving will have positive results for both of you.

Step 1: Listen

Listen to the person asking for forgiveness. True desire to repent and ask forgiveness involves an understanding that we have done something that resulted in another person’s pain or injury.

A person who is truly sorry or experiences regret is aware that their behaviour, whether intentional or not, resulted in another person’s suffering. Being able to see through another’s eyes and truly hear what they’re trying to say is the essence of good listening.

Step 2: Determine their Goals

People who seek forgiveness should be clear about their goals. When they are truly remorseful over what they’ve done, they communicate a sense of certainty that they don’t intend to choose the same behaviour in the future.

Step 3: Appraise their Commitment

Asking for forgiveness requires a commitment. The person who seeks forgiveness is essentially expressing a commitment to react to the same or a similar opportunity for negative action with a different choice.

Most people are given numerous chances to face situations that represent the core choice of a behaviour they want to change. Ask the person who is requesting forgiveness to tell you how they will manage their behaviour when faced with similar choices and situations in the future.

In order to make the changes that follow their request for forgiveness, they will need to have a plan for future behavioural choices in place.

Remember that the actual of forgiving is not a gift you give the other person, but a gift you give to yourself.



Understanding Fear

When people are caught in a fearful thinking habit, they become prisoners to all that they fear.

They block their awareness of their own spirit and LIFE. Because they are engaged in fearing thinking, much of their energy is focused on avoiding the unpleasant aspects of anxiety.

To use a sports analogy, it’s as if they came onto the playing field with strategies focused on avoiding loss rather than on trying to win.

Any sports fan will know that to increase your chances of winning, a player must hit a ball, run a distance, make a catch, or score a goal.

The main point is that the player must be willing to get a few bumps and bruises, navigate obstacles, and come up against blocks along the way.

In order to win, you must play to win, rather than play to avoid losing.

Fearful thinking results in a type of self-imprisonment where you are stuck in a cycle of avoidance. Your thoughts encourage you to live like a child hiding from a bully– you can hide for a time, but you will never be able to stand out in the open.

Of course in the case of fearful thinking, you are your own worst bully.

Where does this come from?

Learning a behavior is a very complicated process. First, you may have a predisposition or tendency  to have stronger or quicker internal reactions than others.

In other words, the unpleasantness or discomfort you feel when afraid may engender more physical reactivity than what someone else experiences.

Another reason may be that your parents, caregivers, siblings, peers, or other influential people in your life have communicated, either intentionally or not, that certain types of emotional or physical distress are intolerable or represents something terrible.

In such a case, you’ve learned that the experience of fear itself is something to be avoided.

Finally, our brains appear to be hard-wired to have us learn to be afraid, as avoidance of true life-threatening events is very adaptive.

As human beings, we have a very well-tuned brain network to help us avoid true danger.

The problem is that, through many different types of conditioning or learning, we come to respond to many different situations, thoughts, and experiences as dangerous.

For example, the dangers of failure, humiliation, embarrassment, or even negative feelings are circumstances that we learn to avoid. It doesn’t matter whether or not anyone intentionally taught you to think fearfully, but due to the circumstances of your development, you learned how.

Identifying Fearful Thoughts

In order to change your fearful thoughts, you will have to be able to use your awareness skills to catch yourself stating fear-based statements silently to yourself. Another way to state this is for you to “be mindful” of your fearful thoughts.

Common fear-based thoughts contain an anticipation of harm. Examples include when you hear yourself making internal statements that you may fail at something important or that other people may get angry with you. Thoughts like these indicate that your mind would prefer to avoid a situation you can’t control.

If you follow through with avoidance, you’ll escape from possible negative results–but you’ll also miss out on many positive experiences. Wayne Gretzky wouldn’t even make the NHL, let alone become the best hockey player in the world, if he was afraid to lose his front teeth.

Another common fearful thought involves assuming what others think (or ‘mind-reading’) when you have no proof. Examples of these fearful thoughts include: “He thinks I’m stupid”, “They’re probably laughing at me”, “I’m boring to her”, or “He doesn’t care about me”.

In these cases, your mind may be trying to exert a false sense of control over the situation. In other words, if you can be sure about the other person’s negative reaction, you won’t have to cope with an unknown.

Your mind has already reasoned that if you expect love and approval from others, but are disappointed, that would be devastating. Following this faulty logic, it’s better to just accept the worst now.

This is no way to live.



Spiritual Cleansing for boost to real estate sales

Exorcising home’s spirits may help sale

Oakland Tribune,  Sep 6, 2006 by Barbara E. Hernandez, MEDIANEWS

When prospective buyers felt a chill down their spines as they walked through the home of one of her clients, real estate agent Hedi Kennerknecht knew she needed help.

She got in touch with Monique Chapman, a self-described intuitive consultant, for a spiritual “cleansing” of the troubled property.

“She’s so right, it gives you the shivers sometimes,” Kennerknecht, an agent with Remax Executive in Fremont, said of Chapman’s psychic abilities.

After initial misgivings, the client agreed to let Chapman heal the house. It soon sold, and there have been no complaints since, Kennerknecht said.

A step beyond staging and feng shui consultations, spiritual cleansing, its proponents say, can help both sellers and buyers overcome fears about even the eeriest homes; and some real estate agents are embracing the new phenomenon.

Audrey McInerney, an agent with Coldwell Banker in Walnut Creek, said that staging took hold in the 1990s, when homes were sitting longer on the market, but now peoplewant more.

“People are into color and also into the underlying emotional appeal of thehouse,” she said. “This is a niche that will grow.”

Chapman, 52, is a petite woman who wears a half-dozen bracelets on each wrist with turquoise, lapis lazuli, tiger’s-eye, citrine, tourmaline, moonstone and mother of pearl, all of which give her protection and enhance her intuitive ability, she said.

The Fremont resident said she uses a pendulum and candle to help cleanse homes of negative energy by going from room to room in a counter-clockwise direction. Afterward, she uses a combination of sea salt, sage and her hands to send “healing energy.” She charges a $300 flat fee for her work.

Part of her job, as she sees it, also involves finding homes — in this case for the spirits that inhabit some houses.

“We need to send them to a better place,” she said. “And we give them escorts — angels, seraphim, what you will — to assist them on their journey.”

Not everyone is as comfortable as Chapman in discussing her work. Two of Kennerknecht’s clients declined to speak for this story.

Publicizing spiritual problems with homes, aside from worries about public opinion, can lead to threats from buyers about nondisclosure of the problem, or could stigmatize properties, Kennerknecht said.

“Not everyone wants to talk about it. This is ‘woo-woo’ stuff,” Chapman added.

But it is not so unusual. In 2004, centuries-old Indian remains were found at Hidden Oaks, a development of 21 $2.8 million homes in Lafayette, according to developer Branagh Development Inc.’s Web site. After the discovery, the developer took a series of steps, including relocating remains to a central area and honoring the dead, a state official said.

“There might have been a small offering of tobacco or a bigger ceremony,” said Larry Myers, executive secretary for the California Native American Heritage Commission. “No one wants ‘Poltergeist.’”

Shelley Thomas, 50, owns Intuitive Solutions in Martinez and provides cleansings and readings for clients. She said she can sense restless spirits in peoples’ homes, something she calls “discarnates,” and feels emotional charges when death or violence have taken place.

Monica Galli, 39, a self-employed single mother of four, was referred to Thomas by a friend when she was feeling stalled in her life and career. Worse, the new $550,000 home in Pleasant Hill she bought in July was making her depressed.

“I wanted a better life, a more successful life,” she said Friday as Thomas was reading the energy in her home. “And I had been through two relationships and didn’t want to be attracted to that type of man again.”

Thomas, who charges $100 an hour for an initial consultation, used what she called her “high spirit” to begin clearing Galli’s home of a male “discarnate” who was negatively interacting with Galli. Thomas held a slender, silver chain with a glass-blown blue heart in one hand, which she said acted as a pendulum, and closely watched its movements.

“A discarnate can be attracted to someone. … Maybe it was the matching energy or sadness,” Thomas said.

Not surprisingly, there is no hard data on how many homes are cleansed, but David Pearce, an instructor with Intuitive Way, a center for intuitive training in Walnut Creek, has seen an increase in spiritual cleansings. He and his students have conducted a few as field trips.

Last year they helped out a nightclub in San Francisco, a slow- moving home in Rossmoor and another in Pittsburg. He helped heal a rental property in Marin County that several tenants fled, and this month he and his wife are healing a Davis home as a wedding gift.

But he’s not necessarily out to change minds. “We’re not in the business of trying to convince other people what we do is real,” Pearce said. “We offer our training and services to those people who are drawn to it.”

Others said they were open to ridding a listing of negative energy or trapped souls.

“I would be willing to try it,” said Kathy Thomas, a Realtor who works with Keller Williams in Pleasanton.

Using someone like Chapman or Thomas may be an advantage with certain houses, she said.

“Some people won’t even look at a house if there was death in it,” she said. “If there was some way to cleanse the house or help prepare it for sale, it might help ease people’s minds.”



Enemies are Teachers in Disguise

Effective teachers provide an opportunity for you to advance and realize your unique potential. Occasionally, they provide a chance for you to accomplish things they knew you could, even when you doubted it.

Important learning experiences with effective teachers almost always involve a struggle, such as learning a difficult subject.

When people describe worthwhile learning experiences and important teachers in their lives, they often say that effective teachers give you encouragement and support as part of the experience.

The teacher is one who allows you to apply what is learned in a practical way. This a very critical part of the learning process.

Would you be surprised to learn that the next time you’re confronted with a difficult situation in which you catch yourself blaming or getting angry at someone who seems to be your enemy, that this could be one of those valuable learning experiences?

Many spiritual traditions embrace the concept that every person with whom you come in contact during your life can serve as a catalyst for your spiritual learning.

Even when someone has committed hurtful and destructive acts resulting in your distress, this concept can still hold true, because your learning is related to your experience and what you take from it.

You may want to argue, “But my valued teachers gave me encouragement and support. The current person who is causing me pain, whom I cannot forgive, isn’t!” The difference here is that you need to give yourself the encouragement and support you need.

The  individuals who cause you distress can still serve as teachers because they give you the opportunity to learn more about yourself and apply this new knowledge to your own spiritual advancement.

It’s as if there is a clear and logical reason for why you are presented with this person, in this situation, at this point in time.



A Forgiveness Tool

Here is a tool to help you learn how to forgive and to increase your understanding that an inability to forgive is far more harmful to you than the person who has injured, insulted, or harmed you in some way.

The ‘30 percent solution’ is useful when we see ourselves as totally blameless and are having difficulty forgiving the person who has offended us.

The next time you find yourself angry for more than two days, experiencing difficulty forgiving another person, and ready to blame another person concerning the problems you experience in your life, remember that in any argument or incident between people, how you react is contributing at least 30 percent to your current distress.

Even if you’ve been unfairly treated, you have a choice in how you will react. Regardless of what has happened to you, your choices account for about 30 % of the reasons why your current emotional state persists.

Moreover, your choices regarding how you think and act with regard to this situationwill not only impact how you currently feel, but whether or not such situations may occur in the future.

Maybe there are ways to think or react differently to reduce the chance of this happening again, or perhaps you have been reacting to what happened in ways that are holding you back from your spiritual journey.